Thursday, January 25, 2007

The Picture No One Wanted To Take.................

So, this is a picture from Bonnaroo last year. I went with 7 of my friends in a RV. I'm not sure if everyone who reads this knows what Bonnaroo is, so I'll tell you. It's a outside concert in Tennessee. It was awesome! There are people from all over that make this trip. Mostly in Rv's or campers. It's out in the woods, kind of like a Woodstock but I'm sure not as good. I had a great time though. We were on our way to see Tom Petty and I saw this handicap sign on the ground. Considering the fact that we were on our way to see Tom Petty, we smoked a lot of the wacky tabaccie, and we were all pretty stoned. You can do pretty much whatever you want out there, as long as you're not a dick and you keep it cool. You know, don't be a dick kind of thing.

I see this sign and I pick it up. I was trying to get my boy D to stop and take a picture with me. I wanted to take a picture with me pointing the sign at him, like I was saying he's handicapped. We were all that at the time. He didn't want to stop but I talked him into it. We didn't even remember about the picture when we got back. When they developed the film the picture above came out. Turns out it was the funniest and best crazy picture of the whole trip. Leave it to Stallion to make funny memories...........

Monday, January 08, 2007

The Wrong Fucking House..................

This picture is pretty funny. I googled "redneck family party" and that's one of the pictures I found. My dads side isn't really redneck. More drunks then anything, but I just recently started going back around the family get togethers. I'm not going to lie, the only reason I was going is to try to find some loans. Not from them, but what I'm getting at, try to sell them a mortgage. Whatever, not important.

So on Saturday my cousin, the only one that I really talk to or like for that matter, invited me to a family party. It was at one of my fathers cousins house that I didn't know how to get to very well. It was about forty five minutes from my house up in the county. So I proceeded to get directions from him before I left. I got my directions and was on my way. I hadn't seen my grandmother on Christmas because that's how we roll so I had a little shit gift for her. I also grabbed a bottle of wine for the hosts.

I get near where I percieve to be the party that I'm supposed to be at. When my cousin gave me the directions, he said it's on the corner of Sunshine (the main street) and Baldwin. He told me just to look for the cars and park out front. I kept driving until I saw Baldwin and noticed tons of cars parked in the front yard of the corner of Baldwin and Sunshine. I called my cousin to see if he was there yet and make sure I was at the right spot. He told me he was inside just come in through the garage door. I parked my car and got out with gifts in hand. Walked up to the back yard and I saw some people standing on the back porch. I didn't recognize anyone but just figured it was part of Harold's family. The guy who married into my family. So I politely nodded my head to whoever was out there and went inside the house. I started to get a weird feeling about the whole thing. I didn't know ANY of these people. Surely by now I would see someone from the (insert my last name here) side. Not a one. I walked through the living room and into the kitchen. There was a bunch of teenage girls in the kitchen eating. So, ah, I didn't know any of them either. Said "Hello" and kept walking to where the basement door was open. I know, kitchen full of teenage girls, why did I leave, right? Just kidding...... Keep in mind I'm carrying these stupid wrapped presents and a gift bag with wine in it. I could hear people downstairs, which is normally where a bar would be and that's where I would find a family member, right? WRONG!!!!

Everyone in the basement looks up at me, keep in mind I have know idea who they are. I said "Hello" and turned around and went back up the steps. Headed back through the kitchen, through the dining room and out the porch door, not looking at one person. I got out on to the porch, people were still out there, and I started dialing my cousin. I said......

"Dude, where the fuck are you, I just walked through the whole house and didn't see you. I don't even think I have the right fucking house, but it's a family party."

He said "I'm in the kitchen. I didn't see you come through." then he starts busting out laughing. I was asking him if he was sure it was Baldwin, he asks someone and I can hear in the back round....."No it's in Baldwin Estates but the street is Bottomend." I WAS IN THE WRONG FUCKING HOUSE!!

My cousin told me Baldwin. He is laughing his ass off and then tell's everyone there what happened before I got there. So when I walk in everyone is laughing and clapping. I felt like such a dumbass. Then I had to tell the story a million fucking times. It was hilarious and it's never happened to me before but WTF. I wish I could have took pictures of the peoples faces. Everyone was watching me as I was walking around. The best part is, I didn't say anything like "sorry, wrong party", I just walked right the fuck back out of there as quick as I could. It rained the night before and I was parked on the front lawn like most of the people. When I was leaving I tore the grass up a little because I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. I wonder what they were all saying when I left? Plus, I can't believe not one person asked who the stranger was that was walking around the house......That's some funny shit right there............

The standing joke at the real party was "If we run out of beer we'll just go to the other party and say Stallion invited us".........


Kate Moss On The Beach.........

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Talk About Super Sized!!!!!!

I try not to eat McDonalds that much, if ever, but there are sometimes when you're in a hurry and you have no choice. If I knew the drive through person was as spunky as this one, I think I would go everyday. I would get those pancakes with a side of bacon and drip some maple syrup all over that shit. I wonder if this chick smells like french fries? That would just be an extra bonus if she did. Man, now I'm horny and hungry.............

I leave from softball practice every night
It's getting dark, but the "Golden Arches" light up the way
I turn the corner at the traffic light
I count my money and then
I rehearse what I'm going to say

"I'd like an order of fries, a quarter-pounder with cheese,
I love the light in your eyes, will you go out with me please?"

I am in love with a McDonald's girl
She has a smile of innocence so tender and warm
I am in love with a McDonald's girl
She is an angel in a polyester uniform

[Can I get you some fries with that?]

She doesn't try to impress anyone
She doesn't act real tough
like all the other girls that I know
She don't treat me like a simpleton
She's not ashamed to be the only other virgin I know
And when my hamburger's cold, I get up ready to go,
She's only fifteen years old, and I'm in love with her soul

She's got a gold tooth, you know she's hardcore
She'll show you a good time, then she'll show you the door, boy!

I am in love with a McDonald's girl
She has a smile of innocence so tender and warm
I am in love with a McDonald's girl
She is an angel in a polyester uniform

As much as you wanted those lyrics to be mine, they weren't...........'s-Girl-lyrics-Barenaked-Ladies/1AD7536A78F6E1D348256895001020EC

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

You Gotta Fight---For The Right---To Put Up Rights.....

I hope everyone put their Christmas rights up. Shit, I always do that. I meant to say that I hope everyone put their horiday rights up. Gotta be poriticarry correct, ya know? I personarry could care ress, don't get me wrong, my rights are up. I'm just saying, it was a rice horiday when you were younger, but now it's just a horiday. It's funny, because I get more preasure out of seeing my nephew opening presents then opening my own. He doesn't berieve in the fatman anymore, but it's still cool to see him get the shit that he wanted. He's getting to the age where he actuarry prays with the stuff you get him. When he was younger he'd pray with shit for a week or so, and then it was straight to the croset or toy chest. Wait, speaking of toy chest, Barbie had the worse toy chest ever! Anyway, I hope everyone has a safe and fucked up horiday.........

P.S. Put your fucking rights up!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

America's next top model?

To start things off, this one thought she was to fat for the show and decided to stay at the beach. Maybe she shouldn't have ate that last grape, ya know?

This one came in her bathing suit from the beach. I was really pissed when she left. I had this whole plan set up to get her in the water with me. I figured I'd charm her a little and get her to swim out further with me. Just relax out in the open water with her. Then as soon as a good wave would come, I'd jump on the bitches back and surf her all the way back in. Then, I will ask her if she would like to go swimming again?

Everybody was wondering where Alyeein was? No one could seem to locate her. We yelled her name but got no response. I guess we have to shoot without her? As soon as we get ready to go on without her, we hear someone screaming "HELP" coming from the bathroom. Turns out, Alyeein slipped in a puddle of who knows what, and got stuck in a toilet paper roll. As you can see, the guy behind her can't figure out how to get it off or how the hell happened in the first place. The show must go on though..........

This ?model? was late to the show also. I don't know what it is with these fools that makes them think they can show up late. We didn't even have time to do her hair. She had to go out there the same way she showed up and to top it off, she starts out with the 'chicken wing' pose. I guess she shouldn't have stuck around at that bukkake party as long as she did. That's gonna be hard to get out once it hardens.........

This chick was the best looking out of all of them. To bad she just came from a concentration camp.........

I really don't know what to say about this one. I thought she was good in Cocoon, maybe she should stick to acting...........

You lazy bitch! Stop sitting around like a fucking popsicle-stick-statue and get on the runway!!!!!!!

They had cookies for a snack, but the only one eating them didn't need to. Only one girl offered to help pass out the cookies. The other girls were mad that there was food within twenty feet of them.........

I couldn't take it anymore. This show sucked and these ?models? were bitching the whole fucking time. I didn't even let the last one finish. We got a good picture of the chop stick leaving though and added it to the shoot. I'm not going to pay her either. God only knows she would just spend it on food..........

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Internet Fighting

Monday, December 04, 2006

Don't you want IT?

Everyone should get one of these. IT would even be a great gift for Christmas. I personally have had one almost 2 years now. IT's great, whenever I need a can or bottle opener, IT shows up just in time. IT has a weird sense of when IT's needed. The other day I used IT to open my mail. I'm sure it's easier to do it myself, but you should see how quick IT gets the shit open. One day if I get some free time, I'll teach IT to read, then IT can read me my mail too.

Then there was the time I needed the bush out front trimmed up. Before I even got a chance to tell IT to go do that, IT had already trimmed the bush that morning. It's like IT has a sick sense or something. As soon as it get's cold enough, I'm going to have IT carve me a nice ice sculpture out front for the holidays. It's fun to come up with new uses for IT.

Just like a week ago, I couldn't get the straw in my Capri Sun, and IT came over and put a perfect hole for my straw. You should have saw the smile on my face. I can't wait to use IT the next time I buy a cd. That plastic that is always a bitch to get off will be easy as shit now that I have IT.

I even let a friend take IT out for a couple of beers one night. I thought they had a goodtime but I was mistaken. Hey, I never told him to get a blowjob from IT. Who does that anyway? Borrow something from your friend and try to make IT blow you. He should have known better but now he doesn't even talk to me anymore. I guess you live and you learn...........